February in London is slightly less depressing than January (which seem to be endless) but still pretty much just grey and dull and nothing else. This week of school holidays is all about us being at home, doing nothing with exception of me nagging my son to finish his GCSE projects, and stretching my support from research, time management, planning, writing targets, setting up times to do tasks…. into doing it myself. Each and everyday seems impossible to get them out of the bed (and equally impossible to get them to the bed at the end of the day). All they are interested in is speed of internet and food (ideally being served by myself to their individual bedrooms upstairs). Add having to walk dog 2-3x a day (depending on how long the walk was), shopping and cooking, and the image is complete. Max seems to be the happiest family member right now, having us around.

Yesterday we watched a video where Basquiat was being interviewed by an university art lecturer about his art and life. To some questions he just smiled and said “it just sort of happened” . There was no intent. I find it fascinating. Most amazing things do happen when we don’t actually plan them, when we just do them. Then take the contrast with having a family and responsibility and not being able to ‘just be’…I wish it was possible to find a balance between these two states of mind – two ways of living. It did ‘just happen’ 20years ago, me coming to UK to learn the language and getting a work experience and trying to save some money. Now the circumstances are quite different and I sometimes feel bit trapped here. But then I remember to count my blessings. And that keeps me going basically.

The other day I listened to radio in a car and the person in the conversation (Desert Island Disc) talked about traveling and living in different countries and the experiences that it gave him. I really think its hard to get that sort of outlook on life without having this wealth of experience. That, of course, does not make someones life less meaningful. Just different. We can find other ways how to be content and present but I need some reflections from outside – I am not into meditation or yoga, I find answers in observing people and comparing them and their views to mine. Drawing from memories on our events and actions and how we have behaved in different situations. Only we are stuck at home now. And stuck in a city and country where I don’t particularly enjoy living. But I am not on my own anymore. I am making joint decision for more than 3 human beings. And that’s heavy.

I don’t want to send negative signals to my children which they can decode in a wrong way. I already ‘caught’ Roxy in conversation saying she doesn’t want to have children because its expensive and she does not want to struggle financially. She had a pretty good idea of having to give up 20years of life and other sacrifices she was not willing to do (which had a loads to do with my counting every penny now and having to say NO to what they would like me to buy them). I did my best to reassure her that my life would not be the same without them and that I would never change a single bit – but she has a point there.

Have I taken this into consideration before having them? No…

I guess it ‘just happened” …

Mezi 2018-2021 byl Branik docasne domovem nekomu, kdo mu vdechnul dusi.

Obcas se citite dole zatimco jini se divaji (2) ale vydrzte (8) ustojte to (6), udelejte si radost (7) dejte si salek (3) nebo sklenicku (9). Jdete na prochazku, projizdku (1) nebo vylet (5). Pak se vratte ke svym blizkym (4). Ty male momenty stesti jsou v obycejnych, obcas neviditelnych vecech. Hodne stesti v jejich nalezani!

Vybusniny v rukou amateru (dejstvi prve).

Je to fascinujici videt gejziry svetel a hvezdicek explodovat proti tmave obloze. Ale priste si mozna prectu navod a nastuduji bezpecne vzdalenosti a unikove cesty ;) Byla to uzasna legrace protoze jsme netusili co tato krabicka skryva za prekvapeni. Holt pokazdy je neco poprve ;)

Halloween budiz timto (predcasne) oslaven a zapit, spolu s koncem leta a nastupem podzimu.

No a dnes dopoledne si v dobrem rozpolozeni uklizim po party, chystam se vytirat, slunce venku vylezlo po desti, ja vyspana do ruzova, radio napohodu a priklati se muj pubertalni syn s hlaskou “this is the most depressing song ever” smerem k necemu ve stylu veseleho country, co ani nemohl znat, a ve zlomku sekundy zabije mou veskrze pozitivni naladu.

Pubertaaaaaaaaa🙈

v Londyne

Vcerejsi rande s kamoskou v Horniman Museum and gardens.

Zavzpominaly jsme jaky to bylo kdyz deti byly maly, jaky to bylo kdyz travnik nebyl rozbahnenej a mohly jsme mit celodenni piknik, ted nas to mnozstvi malejch deti a kocarku a ostrazitejch maminek spis omezuje protoze nemuzu pustit psa navolno v parku aniz by nekdo nedostal hysterak…

Dokonce modry nebe a slunicko, ovsem neni si kde sednout, clovek uz je starsi a chce lavicku vyhratou sluncem a ne ponorenou do stinu, kafe u bandstandu zavreny, dlouhy fronty u hlavniho bufiku v budove muzea. Dcera se doma nenajedla pres my rady a doporuceni a ted ma hlad a ja tam pulhodiny frontovat odmitam. Koupime si kafe do kelimku a opoustim ji s bankovni kartou v ruce at si koupi co chce a vyceka si to sama.

Nakonec to vsechno zvladnem a dobre to dopadne a dokonce bez hysteraku :-) Dnes se pocitam za stastnou. Jen ta analyza co jsme s kamaradkou provedli na tema smerovani a samostatnosti nasich pubertalnich deti, jejich moralniho kompasu, uzemeni a neztracenosti ve svete mi bude jeste chvili lezet v hlave.

Krasne jaro vam vsem!

A je to tady!
Dalsi rok za nami….. Tak at je ten novy plny zdravi, stesti, spokojenosti a lasky (a penez, ty se hodej obcas taky). Happy New Year!

Stul je nazdobeny, jidlo nakoupene, navsteva pomalu na ceste a nez zacnu smazit rizky (nikoliv kapra ale file a kure ale i tak je to svatecni) napadlo me rano vyrobit svicen, jako jsme s brachou delavali kazdy rok u babicky a dedy na vesnici, v dedove dilne, zatimco babicka a mama mely osefovanou kuchyn.

Na navsteve prirodovedeckeho muzea po 9ti letech.

Dobre tak to bylo skoro na otocku a slabou hodinu a pul jizdy z Londyna ale alespon na chvili jsme se ocitli v jinem svete.

Jsem se zasadila nevedomky svou pulrocni absenci na pozemku v zahradkarske kolonii. Kdyz jsem se tam tento vikend odvazila (v doprovodu kamarada) uzasla jsem nad tim jak priroda prevzala suverene zezlo a vykouzila neco ceho bych ani s vedomym usilim nebyla schopna.

Dvoumetrove vlci maky a slez, zidle pokacene a prorostle plazivkou s lepivejma kulickama, ke dverim do chatky jsem se musela prosekat. Asi to tak necham, raj pro vcely a cmelaky, ted uz stejne nic zasadit nestihnu ale sousede na me pohlizeli s velkou nelibosti ze svych uzkostne opecovavanych, pravidelne rozporcovanych kousku zeme. Zeme kterou jsme urvali z rukou developeru, a zatim ji porad hajime, jako komunita, i kdyz mame nakazano nesazet stromy a kere protoze ji muzeme kdykoliv ztratit. Stavi se divoce vsude kolem nas. Asi tak divoce jako ty moje vlci maky.

Tak doufejme ze me zatim nevyhodi, ze spravim zatejkajici strechu a na pristi rok zaradim vic pracovnich hodin na ‘farme’, kdyz uz jsem na ni cekala pres 10let. Nemohla jsem tenkrat tusit ze jednou skocim v baraku se zahradou…a ze deti vyrostou tak rychle, ze nutit je k pozemkovejm pracem bude nemozny. Porad je vidim jako miminka ktery s uzasem a nadsenim bori prsty do hliny a nachazi tu stonozku, onde zizalu a jsou ji bezmezne fascinovane. Kde jsou ty casy?!