half term break plus little reflections and perhaps a little moan

February in London is slightly less depressing than January (which seem to be endless) but still pretty much just grey and dull and nothing else. This week of school holidays is all about us being at home, doing nothing with exception of me nagging my son to finish his GCSE projects, and stretching my support from research, time management, planning, writing targets, setting up times to do tasks…. into doing it myself. Each and everyday seems impossible to get them out of the bed (and equally impossible to get them to the bed at the end of the day). All they are interested in is speed of internet and food (ideally being served by myself to their individual bedrooms upstairs). Add having to walk dog 2-3x a day (depending on how long the walk was), shopping and cooking, and the image is complete. Max seems to be the happiest family member right now, having us around.

Yesterday we watched a video where Basquiat was being interviewed by an university art lecturer about his art and life. To some questions he just smiled and said “it just sort of happened” . There was no intent. I find it fascinating. Most amazing things do happen when we don’t actually plan them, when we just do them. Then take the contrast with having a family and responsibility and not being able to ‘just be’…I wish it was possible to find a balance between these two states of mind – two ways of living. It did ‘just happen’ 20years ago, me coming to UK to learn the language and getting a work experience and trying to save some money. Now the circumstances are quite different and I sometimes feel bit trapped here. But then I remember to count my blessings. And that keeps me going basically.

The other day I listened to radio in a car and the person in the conversation (Desert Island Disc) talked about traveling and living in different countries and the experiences that it gave him. I really think its hard to get that sort of outlook on life without having this wealth of experience. That, of course, does not make someones life less meaningful. Just different. We can find other ways how to be content and present but I need some reflections from outside – I am not into meditation or yoga, I find answers in observing people and comparing them and their views to mine. Drawing from memories on our events and actions and how we have behaved in different situations. Only we are stuck at home now. And stuck in a city and country where I don’t particularly enjoy living. But I am not on my own anymore. I am making joint decision for more than 3 human beings. And that’s heavy.

I don’t want to send negative signals to my children which they can decode in a wrong way. I already ‘caught’ Roxy in conversation saying she doesn’t want to have children because its expensive and she does not want to struggle financially. She had a pretty good idea of having to give up 20years of life and other sacrifices she was not willing to do (which had a loads to do with my counting every penny now and having to say NO to what they would like me to buy them). I did my best to reassure her that my life would not be the same without them and that I would never change a single bit – but she has a point there.

Have I taken this into consideration before having them? No…

I guess it ‘just happened” …

2 thoughts on “half term break plus little reflections and perhaps a little moan

  1. Zajímavý, jak jsi někde úplně jinde v jiné sadě okolností, ale ve své podstatě jsem v hodně podobné situaci.
    Nemám všemocnou radu ani řešení, jen sdílím pocit, že v tom rozhodně nejsi sama.
    Drž se…

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